Saturday, April 10, 2010

My fiction beats the hell out of my truth...

These are the times that I feel my back is against the wall. With my back against the wall, a hand is around my throat and the grasp is moving upwards, and I am doing everything I can to keep my toes on the floor so I can remain breathing. The pre-surgery anxiety is hitting me like a ton of bricks; my heart feels like it is constantly fluttering, I am constantly trying to regulate my breathing, and I am fighting throughout the day to not cry. On the 27th of this month I am going in for surgery #16 on my right wrist (this also is surgery #3 in a 10-month period). I am more anxious of this surgery because of all of the complications that I experienced during my last surgery in September. During that surgery I was given too much pain medicine that I stopped breathing, then was given too little anesthesia and was not “asleep” when the surgeon make the incision on my back, my corneas were scratched during the procedure, and my spinal cord was nicked which gave me a headache every time I stood up for 3 months. With every surgery you acknowledge there can be complications, but after 14 surgeries of everything going well I was dumbfounded after my surgery in September. I feel with each surgery I have, I take a step closer to the risk/complication category. It can happen, it did happen, would it happen again? When is my luck going to run out? If I do have complications again, how serious are they going to be and how will they effect my life? So besides the usual anxiety, a million “what ifs?” are bouncing around in my brain and I am plagued with more worry then I have ever experienced before. I am finding it hard to quell my mind and reassure myself that “everything will be ok.” I try to have faith, but my faith wavers on a daily basis (I do wish I had more of it). I feel alone right now. I know of no one who has gone through what I have been through or any situation that is kind of like my own. If I try to talk to someone about what I am thinking or how I am feeling I get the standard head bobbing/raised eyebrows/forced smile with the responses “everything will be fine” or “you have been through so many surgeries, don't worry.” I know their responses are of reassurance or because it is the standard thing to say to someone, but it makes me want to scream and yell "SHUT UP!" Instead of all the positive/standard responses I would love someone to say “your situation is shitty and fucked up.” I know to a normal person that would be harsh, but a statement like that actually acknowledges what I have been through/am going through and how I feel at this very moment. Amongst the anxiety, the only positive that I can see now is the possibility of the scope finding out why my thumb is hurting so much and the fusion can possibly lessen some of the pain that I am experiencing. I know this blog contradicts what I have said in past blogs. Yes, I know “everything happens for a reason” and “where I am is exactly where I am suppose to be,” but as of right now those thoughts are on “vacation” until the 28th (the day after surgery).


  1. I've been trying deep meditation at the Buddhist Shambhala Center and doing a lot of yoga to try and calm the anxiety without meds. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Anyways, it's worth a shot is all I'm trying to say. Your in my thoughts. Good luck.

  2. My thoughts are with you lovely xxx